Disgusting Daily Express newspaper

I couldn't believe my eyes after buying the Daily Express this Saturday. I was perusing the accompanying 'Saturday' supplement magazine to find a suitable wildlife programme to watch with my wife, when I spluttered across TV listings for a channel called 'Television X'. Why on earth a respectable newspaper would want to highlight the filth that is evidently broadcast on such a depraved channel is beyond me. Here are some of the 'programme' titles that the Daily Express obviously have no qualms printing in a family newspaper:

Betty Swallocks
My Wife's A Slut
D*ldo Dan
Filthy British Sluts
P*ssy Malone
C*cks and Throbbers
Superd*ck
C*m On My Face
R**ctal ooter

These are not my asterisks but the papers. I assume that the so-called editors of the paper have done a bit of work in trying to sanitise these dirty titles. After reading this I decided to throw the newspaper in the bin, as my grandchildren were due to spend some time with us over the weekend. I certainly did not want little Sammy and Marvin reading all about 'ooters'.

Needless to say, I have complained to the editor of the 'Saturday' supplement, one Graham Bailey (saturdayexpress@express.co.uk), to see what he has to say about this.

Crowborough's Christmas tree

Today I noticed Crowborough has finally got a Christmas tree. It's about six foot high and is positioned above a shop in order to prevent the local hoodlums from attacking it.

Crowborough Caves calendar

It is my duty as Secretary of the Caves of Crowborough to notify you all that this year's charity calendar is available now. We have printed 100 copies, so it is strictly first come, first served. I heartily recommend you buy a copy and support the campaign to re-open our long-forgotten Caves.

The Pantiles Christmas weekend

Well, I have to comment on the weeekend event held in The Pantiles of Tunbridge Wells. The local paper (The Courier) set up an outdoor ice skating rink amidst great fanfare. To be honest, they shouldn't have bothered and certainly should have restrained from blowing their own trumpet with such force. For a start, the rink was quite small. Secondly, it was very busy with lots of children eager to play on it. And lastly, there was no ice. It was just a job-load of 'shiny' chipboard. I drove down especially from Crowborough with my old ice-skating boots, eager to show my wife that I could still hit the mustard. All I got was the usual, 'go home grandad' chants. Needless to say, I shall be writing a letter of complaint to The Courier.

Merry Christmas? Bah Humbug say Crowborough town council!

An interesting story hit me on the front page of the Kent and East Sussex Courier. Crowborough (my hometown, as you know), is not to have a Christmas tree this year, after thugs ruined last year's one. What is this world coming to, I ask you? The mindless antics of a stupid few have denied all the good residents of East Sussex's largest inland town a festive fir. I am writing to the council to suggest placing a tree, then pointing any of the many CCTV cameras on said tree, apprehend anyone who looks like they wish to go climbing and then force them to clean the streets of litter.

Some people never fail to amaze me

Whilst partaking in a brisk early morning walk across Tunbridge Wells Common, I stopped to admire the misty view of the cricket ground. A middle-aged woman approached (with brown hair, glasses and wrapped up well in a black coat) accompanied by a large black poodle-type dog. I watched intently as the said beast busied itself with urinating against all manner of objects in the environs. I can understand the need for any animal's instinctive urge to mark the territory they find themselves in. However, what got my goat was that this said doggie proceeded to empty its bowels on the cricket ground's boundary (where the third man might play, if you will), right under the sign beseeching the public to disallow their dogs from performing the very same act!

Dumbfounded and rendered speechless by the dirty dog owner's arrogant behaviour, I took upon coughing rather loudly, several times, but this caused no embarrassment to the bespectacled lady. Instead, she blundered ahead, removing herself from the scene of the crime. As I say, some people never fail to amaze me...