Securitas van knocks over metal bollard

Well, I've seen some things in my life, but today took the cheese biscuit. I have just finished writing to Securitas, the security cash collection folk whose slogan is "integrity, vigilance, helpfulness". This is what I have composed:

"Sir,

I could not believe my eyes this afternoon. I was wandering past the Victoria Centre in Tunbridge Wells at aproximately 16:35 hours when I spotted a white transit-type vehicle of your livery straddled across the adjacent pelican crossing. With scant regard for waiting pedestrians, it reversed on to the pavement, and drove forward whereby a a loud 'scuffling' noise was emitted. This was then followed by howls of laughter by watching school children who found it highly amusing that one of your vehicles had just removed from the ground a metal bollard! The tarmac and said piece of street furniture had been completely torn out of the pavement.

Now if that was not bad enough, what happened next was totally unforgiveable. Your driver simply drove home without even stopping! I trust you will be severely reprimanding this employee. For your information I have collected the first four characters of his number plate: Y267.

Please keep me updated on how you deal with this matter. I am more than happy to notify the local police and council about this event, if you so wish.

Yours astonishingly,

Howard Thompson"

PS I now have a new e-mail address, people. It is howard_thompson@hotmail.co.uk, and I understand I can be reached via this method 24 hours a day.

How to get rid of speed cameras

I have an excellent idea on how we can remove ugly, unnecessary and expensive speed cameras (otherwise known as 'Gatsos') from our roads. The unemployed should be forced to drive pace cars through our towns, at the requisite speed limit. For example, every twenty-five minutes, such a pace car would be driven at 30 mph between two desired locations in the aforesaid town. This would force all other vehicles behind to stick to the same speed limit.

Let me make clear a few points... One, the unemployed would not be paid for doing this. Two, the pace cars would not be expensive new vehicles, but older models. (Possibly, the government could introduce a scheme whereby the unemployed have to buy these cars). And three, the pace cars would not be able to exceed the agreed speed limit (maybe gears four and five could be removed, from these cars).

I have already contacted my MP and asked to him to question the Prime Minister at the next available Parliamentary session.